no shortage of emotions over here

June 16, 2023

We officially have less than a month left until our big move. 

If you looked around our house, you probably wouldn't guess that. I have been purging for months but I'm still pulling belongings out of the deep corners of shelves and cupboards... 

we'll get there eventually. 

I've been spending my days recently trying to keep my head UP in many senses of the word. With so many things to do, it's easy to get caught up in the "go go go" of it all... but I'm trying to look up and around and consciously take in Korea with all of my senses. I don't want to be so busy these last weeks that I completely miss out on the moments. I also don't want to be consumed with sadness and with premature nostalgia for moments gone by. 

So, yes, logistically there are still things to sort out... what should go with us on the plane, what should be shipped slow mail, what should be sold/donated/thrown away... 

I look at old toys and grieve the end of their time with my kids. One of the hardest things about this move has been parting with my kids' material belongings which have been their firsts: highchairs, beds, toys, homes... of course these are all things that we would have to part with eventually but it has been emotionally taxing doing it all at once.

I see flowers on the side of the highway which will continue growing, wilting, and then growing again even after we've gone which is just symbolic of all the things that we'll be leaving behind. The world continues to spin and the burden of having two homes 10,000km apart is that you will always be missing something

And then also part of me is worried that I will look like a blithering idiot returning to Canadian society after so long. What cultural things/customs have I forgotten? Is my English weird? Do I drive like an a-hole? Am I going to forget that the green bill is $20 and not $10? I'm going back to Canada feeling this weird insecurity that I can't seem to articulate. 

But at the same time, I feel such a sense of hope and look forward to what's to come! Since sharing the news about our move, I have felt so much support from family and friends and even acquaintances in Canada which I am so so so appreciative of. Living abroad can be an isolating experience. I of course have "my people" here but the scale and size of my social network is very different than it would be if I lived in Canada all these years. Relationships take time and effort... and as good as my intentions are -- especially after having kids -- it still takes me a week to text back even my bestest of friends. So despite the fact that I abandoned everyone for a life abroad, I'm thankful for all of the support and kindness. 

Well, this post has taken many twisty turns. 

As a good friend told me recently: two things can be true at once. 

I'm busy while trying to slow down.

I'm worried and I'm excited.

I'm mourning and I'm joyful.

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